Four Horsemen Newsletter
Vol. 52, Issue. 11
No Parking Signs:
- Parking for the Apocalypse is only permitted between the hours of 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. Violators will be towed at vehicle owner’s expense. Impounded property will be auctioned off if pending fines are not settled within 10, regular business days.
- NOAA forecasts for the upcoming hurricane season call for forty days, and forty nights of cataclysmic rain. Experts are recommending those living in low, lying areas evacuate to the moral high ground during maelstroms.
- Flood insurance policies expire at midnight Kingdom Come eve. Please contact your agent regarding damage reports and to file compensation requests. In the event your adjuster was raptured, it may take longer to process your application. Payments could be delayed due to the biblical proportion of claims submitted.
- Rivers are rising and icebergs are failing. Air thins as wind blusters. Life as we know it is quickly ending, leaving less for the many, and more for the moneyed.
News to Know:
- Expect an increase in reported cases of self-righteous demagoguery. These rabble-rousers will attempt to achieve martyr status by offering themselves for public flagellation after refusing to participate in what they deem to be sordid behavior. Their cries of persecution will be overshadowed by their unabashed feats of hypocrisy.
- Wars and rumors of wars continue through next Thursday. Protest signage and graphic hoodies are available at your local Big Box stores. Smaller mom-and-pop businesses have closed for the indeterminate future owing to lack of inventory. If you must demonstrate, avoid factual reports on causation and eventuate results, instead move directly toward precipitate actions.
- False prophets preach death and destruction while they segregate and conquer. Divisive speech kills without thought to aim or collateral damage, as assuredly as any hair-trigger weapon. Where are background checks for provocateurs when their words incite assassinations?
- Tickets are still available for Sunday’s political rally. Get your pompoms and foam fingers at the “will-call” window at the East Gate. Anyone donating nonperishable food items for the Nourishmentally Challenged Pantry will receive a free T-shirt. In case of earthquake and/or locust, the rally will be held at the alternate venue on Tuesday.
I’m on my way. It’s high water and I have my hand basket.