Fashion disaster

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mannequin

For the past several months I’ve been on a journey of transformation. Finally within touching distance of a decade-old goal weight, I’ve been daydreaming about an entirely new wardrobe to celebrate. Pants are falling off my hips, my body is swimming in my blouses, even the Sisters are in need of new underpinning.

My problem? Finding clothes that are both age appropriate and flattering has been nearly impossible. I’ve noticed something sinister about the clothing offered to women of my generation.

I hesitate to say, “my age,” because I have seen women both older and wider than me wearing clothes I would loath for my own adult child to wear in public ~ seriously ladies! Once you’re no longer a Junior or Miss, please, PLEASE stop wearing clothes meant for someone literally half your age. You’re embarrassing us all.

Women’s clothing designers are a mean pack of practical jokers. According to the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics, the average adult female weighs 166 pounds, not 96 as the fashion industry would have us believe. Based on the gratuitous mixing of colors and patterns, they would also have the world believe we are both color blind and total fashion morons.

When I was a kid my mother flat refused to let me out of the house if I was wearing plaids with checks, or vertical and horizontal stripes. Forget purple and yellow, or orange and pink, let alone jeans with holes in them.

I’m not vain enough to think that I can get away with wearing squeezy-tight anything or cropped mid-drifts. I don’t want jeans so restrictive that both my circulation and air flow are cut off.  I appreciate the trend toward more flowing tops and dresses, but I don’t want to be mistaken for a the next oldest pregnant lady in the Guinness Book of World Records. A-lines and high waistline have gotten totally out of control, as have bows and ruffles. Ruffles? On a quinquagenarian? Really?

I also don’t want to be regulated to wearing velour jogging suits studded with jewel-toned rhinestones, and garishly hand-painted seashells or flamingos.

A frantic hunt through the mall will find only those items of clothing that should be saved for Halloween or my dotage.

I can picture a back room somewhere in the garment district of New York City. A gaggle of fashionistas are gathered around a table plotting their next assault on the ‘tweens known as “Women.”

“Let’s puts some green, orange and purple geometric shapes together with some red and pink plaid, then add an off-center bow tie on a mandarin collar. We can flair it out so there is no discernible waist line which will accentuate any tummy bulges. Oh, and capped sleeves, they love cap sleeves. That will draw unwanted attention to those flabby upper arms. No dear, not silk, polyester!”

Brilliant!

10 comments

  1. hilarious, but so true. My biggest issue right now – i want straight or boot cut jeans! Without holes or weird faux ‘fading’ or bejeweled bottoms or a ‘waist’ so low my entire bum hangs out. Apparently i’m ‘wrong’, because all they have on offer at stores is skinny jeans. or superduperlowlowlowrise

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  2. Love it! There are many, many issues in the fashion industry, indeed. They really just don’t get it. Perhaps it’s time to start sewing our own clothes again.

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  3. I must admit that I agree with you, there isn’t much out there that is age appropriate and stylish. I just go deep into my closet and bring out something I got years ago. It is better made, and still looks fare nicer than what is on the market today.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m a huge fan of not wearing any clothing at all. It saves me the awkwardness of going out mismatched. (In other words, ugh, when you find a solution, let me know. I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE with shopping at all and with the options available!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A woman after my own heart! If flannel pants were socially acceptable (to me), I’d just wear those everywhere. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been near tears after clothes shopping. Either nothing fits, or if it fits, it looks hideous.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Worthington from JCPenneys or even their JCP brand or Ana line are great for us!!! Oh how I wish I lived close enough to go shopping with you.

    Yay for you and your new body and perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s a shame you don’t have a store called Reitmans in the US. Love their stuff. It makes up the majority of my work wardrobe but they have nice casual stuff too. It’s designed for older women who have those “issues” such as slightly flabby tummies etc BUT it doesn’t look like grandma stuff. And I don’t think they have weird color combos. http://www.reitmans.com/ Hey, they ship to the US 🙂

    Van Heusen usually has okay stuff, nothing too out there. I shop their outlet stores when I’m in the US

    Liked by 1 person

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