A mother’s legacy

~ Tara R.

It all started with my mom, or maybe even as far back as with her mother.

My mother is a beautiful woman, but for my entire life, she was always so harsh about her appearance. She thought she was too fat, or too grey, or too this or too that. I don’t remember her ever saying she thought she was in any way attractive.

Add to this that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, told me how much I looked like my mother. She loved hearing it, me not so much. Because of the way she felt about herself, I heard, “you are just as unattractive as your mother.” I thought other people had the same image of her as she did.

Let me point out that my mom never told me I wasn’t pretty. She never criticized my appearance, except maybe to comment on my fashion sense. She never deliberately tried to make me feel unattractive. This is all my perceptions as a child that followed me into adulthood.

Now that I have a daughter, one that EVERYONE comments on how much she looks like me, I cringe. I’ve tried not to be as vocal about my discontent with my looks as my mother was, because I desperately don’t want my daughter to feel like I did.

Ironically, I think my daughter is gorgeous. I should be pleased that other people think we look alike, that in some way they think I’m as pretty as she is, but my brain doesn’t work that way. It’s as if I perceive the comparison as some sort of insult to her.

Moms out there, forget what fashion magazines say about female beauty, forget TV and movies, forget music videos. What are WE saying to our daughters and sons EVERY. DAY? What we say about ourselves is far more powerful than any of that superficial stuff.

We shouldn’t transfer our lack of self-image to our children, to future generations. Because of my poor self-esteem, I never want my daughter to question herself when people say she looks like me.

14 thoughts on “A mother’s legacy”

  3. Amen, sister. I try to filter what comes out of my mouth because I am too self depricating, not just about my appearance, but also, my abilities! I definitely don’t want to pass that on.

    Like

    Reply

  4. It’s hard to see how your outward thoughts affect others, until they act as a mirror. Then, reality hits. I saw ‘outward thoughts’ because it is my thoughts shining through that are the problem. When I know they are watching or when I am using my ‘teachable moments’ I am very cautious. It’s my own thoughts that I let slip that cause the problem.

    I love the story and I can relate. You opened my eyes a bit. I love learning from other women. Thanks for the story.

    Like

    Reply

  6. It is so so hard to keep my mouth shut so the negative thoughts I have about myself don’t come out in front of my daughter. She is getting to that age where a lot of people are saying how she looks like me, and reading this renews my belief that I need to be careful – because although I have thought about not teaching or modeling for her poor self esteem, I had not, until reading this, thought about how linked my thoughts about me could become to her thoughts about herself if people notice our similarities. This hit me right in the heart.

    I will continue to tell my daughter she is beautiful (because she IS) and I will work on telling myself the same (even on those days when I’m not feeling it).

    Like

    Reply

  7. Oh Tara, the past few days you are writing some very timely posts for me.
    All my life, from the time my little bald head sprouted blonde fuzz at 2 yrs of age, I’ve been told that I look, sound, act, am the embodiment of my mom.
    Even growing up in my teens, I’d answer the phone and doctors, friends, random people believed I was “Jean.” In High School for my yearbook, when asked about a “hero”…I did not choose a celebrity or a supreme court judge…I chose “My Mom.”

    I tell you all this to preface my comment as tears roll down my face. I loved the woman who always looked beautiful to me, I loved the woman who did not stay home to raise up, but rather got her BS, her MS (twice) and ran a Diabetes Treatment Center in the early 80’s. A woman who stayed with the man she loved against all odds. A woman who took pride in the appearance of our home, herself and the way we presented oursleves to the world.

    she is NOT perfect, she talks too much, she worries too much, but she’s such a important part of my life and story. I take Great great pride when people tell me that “you look/ are just like your mom” because to me she is beautiful, classy and intelligent.

    I know that deep down, like most women she never felt she was all those things, that like all of us she had insecurities and doubt about her self image, but she told me and my sister that we were beautiful and she taught us how to dress, how to carry ourselves, how to be women of the world.

    for the boys, well I tell them they are handsome every single day…and when I talk about myself, I let them know that we all have insecurities but that deep down we are beautiful people, that being beautiful or handsome on the outside doesn’t make it happen on the inside until you treat the world and people with kindness and love. I hope that they always know that when they say “Oh mommy, you look so beautiful” that I believe them from the inside out.

    I loved, loved, loved this picture of you…and thank you , again for allowing me to think about my mom and how much she means to me.

    YOU are beautiful inside and out.

    Like

    Reply

  8. I know I’m a dude but here’s where I act well, not like a dude. You and I have the EXACT same thoughts about our appearance. I don’t take compliments well, at all. I think I’m average. Because I was led to believe that – 5’8″ (average american male height) – between 170-185 lbs (average american male weight). I tell my wife and three daughters they’re beautiful every day. It doesn’t matter if they’ve rolled out of bed or dressed to the nines. I hope they don’t carry our self image issues to adulthood.

    oh, and none of them look like me, thank God.

    good post…i like pictures

    Like

    Reply

  10. I was an adult before I realized my mother has horrible body image issues. She had anorexia before anorexia had a name. She fought with her weight constantly. I heard a few comments, and I knew she went on the occasional diet. But I always thought she was beautiful and that (because everyone said I looked like her) I was gorgeous, too. Which means that at 220 pounds, I still felt good looking. At 183 pounds, I now feel even better looking. And if I reach my target weight of 150? I’m going out and becoming a short model. I hope I’m giving my daughter a positive body image. My son? we need not worry about him. He’s a little peacock who has enough confidence to share at this point.

    Like

    Reply

Join the discussion...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.