From an early age our son has been a ‘collector.’ On any given day, especially when joining me while running errands, I would have to pat him down, removing bits and pieces of debris from his pockets that he had found in parking lots, grocery store aisles, beneath clothing racks.
When I’d break down and do a thorough cleaning of his room, I would remove bags… plural… of junk. Often times I had to do this while I could get him out of the house to avoid melt-downs and arguments over why I was throwing away his ‘treasures.’ Treasures being rusty bolts, broken ink pens, metal washers, smooth or shiny rocks.
After years of behavioral problems in school, of having toys taken away, for folding paper clips into other shapes, of being a distraction to other classmates, our son was tentatively determined to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder tendencies. At 12 he was too young to be given a definitive diagnosis. He is 18 now, and has that official label.
The collecting, the having to have an object to focus on like the paperclips in class, were all manifestations of his disorder.
Unlike how television stereotypes OCD, our son isn’t fixated on rituals, or at least not ones like washing his hands, or touching objects a certain number of time, or checking locks. His compulsions have always been, and remain, collecting. Where once it could be anything and everything, in the last few years, we’ve been able to limit it to die-cast toys.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say he has well in excess of 4,000 cars, air planes, and other military vehicles… all different in some way. He can tell you if one is missing. He can peruse the toy aisle and tell you which ones he already owns and which ones are new. Lately he has been further limiting his collection to Redline Hot Wheels. Vintage toys from the 1960s and 70s, bidding for different cars online and trading them through collector forums.
Through these forums he’s also been trading custom cars. Collectors will take a standard car, and modify it. It’s like adding after-market body kits to a street car.
For a kid who was once believed to be severely ADHD, watching him spend hours sanding, fabricating new body parts, painting and trading these cars, it’s both a source of pride and one of frustration.
Keeping him from his hobby, especially when he is feeling particularly anxious can trigger a full-blown panic attack. (he has also been diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety Disorder). We walk a fine line between enabling his obsessions and encouraging his coping skills.
My kitchen table has become his ‘garage.’ This is where he does the bulk of his custom work. Where he builds his models, where he goes when he needs to work off his anxious energy.
it’s been more than a year since we’ve sat at this table as a family, more than a year since we’ve shared a meal here. More than a year since we’ve been able to invited friends or family over for dinner.
I’m not gonna lie… having all this clutter taking over my dining room is a little embarrassing. But it’s the clutter, not what creates it that’s embarrassing. It’s also a sacrifice I’m willing to make if it helps my son in any way. We’re making progress in moving a lot of his projects to a work table in our actual garage. He can use power tools outside and it’s a space all his own. Baby steps…
Submitted as part of Shell’s “Pour Your Heart Out” writing prompt at Things I Can’t Say. Please stop by to read the other posts, and give a little comment love.
Day 9 – 30 Days of Shamelessness: expose something messy you’d usually hide
Thin spiral notebook 
I can’t say that I know what you’re going through because I don’t. My family has clutter issues but none that serve a purpose. I applaud you for sacrificing a table for the peace and well being of your son. It may be just a table but it is not a little sacrifice. Thanks for showing what so often we want to hide!
🙂
Traci
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WOw, you are so supportive. Being honest, I don’t know how my patience would be as my little girl’s ‘clutter’ now makes me a little crazy. However, at the same time I would do anything for my girl, to make her happy and feel successful… and that’s just what you’re doing for your son. I think carving out more dedicated space for him is a great idea. Hopefully you’ll get around to a nice family dinner there again soon. 🙂
Thans for stopping by my blog, too!
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Good for you for being able and willing to step back and see what’s important, what your son needs.
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My Mom could have written this post word for word about my brother.
Now at age 30, he’s got his own shop/garage that he rents, his own business, has continued his hobby but with real cars, and he makes quite a lot of money doing it. He’s at the shop 6 days a week for at least 12 hours a day. I hope the same for your boy one day!
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I agree with everyone else- giving him a space his own, even if it IS your dining room table, is one of the most selfless and loving things you could ever do as a mother. Major kudos for that. I think that WK has come such a long way in the time that I’ve “known” him, and I think a garage space is totally awesome and something he will learn to cherish and love as his own space as well.
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The table isn’t important- giving your son what he needs is. You are a wonderful mama.
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I know some of what you deal with – if that’s the way to say it – and it’s not, really – it’s not something you ‘deal’ with – it’s just ‘what is’. But, anyway, our youngest has his set of issues to deal with, too. I’m so glad your son has you. He’s lucky.
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We’ve discussed how alike our sons are before. You have been a wonderful source of encouragement and empathy. I can never tell you how much I appreciate your friendship.
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Don’t look at it as a sacrifice of your dining table or social life. See it as an investment in the future. My oldest son showed many of the symptoms you described. School was a hassle and often painful for us all, secondary school out of the question. But he channeled his needs and talents in a way that made sense to him. Today, he earns more than his college-graduate siblings (one of who has a master’s degree) in his job as a master mechanic. There is not a car that he can’t fix, rebuild or build from scratch from the frame up, which he has done twice. And it all started with Hot Wheels. Sounds to me like your son is on his way.
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Our sons sound remarkably similar. My son is now in tech school studying auto maintenance and repair. Your son’s success is heartwarming and encouraging. They both simply need to find their niche, something that inspired them.
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In hopes of offering more encouragement… That “obsessive” focus on detail (often at the expense of other things), that “compulsion” to use his hands, that need get it “right” – those are qualities that make for an excellent (even awesome) auto mechanic. You need only ask anyone if they’d like their mechanic to be like that. They’ll tell you.
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I think it’s beautiful how supportive you are! I was thinking while I read this that everyone needs a hobby station, somewhere other than the dining room table. My husband built me a hobby station for my jewelry making and it helps to keep my clutter in a section of the house 🙂
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As someone with social anxiety disorder, I just appreciate that you are so understanding and loving to him.
He will treasure that forever.
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