Yesterday the Mister and I marked a quarter of a century married ~ our Silver Anniversary. When I was much younger, I imagined couples reaching 25 years together were, while not exactly old, at least considered mature. As a couple we have weathered many ups and downs, great joys and heartbreaking sorrows. As a couple we have gathered strength from each other and have grown both as individuals and as partners.
We have learned the art of compromise and how to pick our battles. We rarely argue, but if we do it is with respect and civility. We are of the same mind in regards to political issues, religion, child rearing and finances. We are almost to that stage of finishing each. others. sentences.
In celebration of our union, I’m sharing 25 mature pearls of wisdom to help ensure your own marital success:
1. Forget the adage about not going to bed angry… if you follow that advice you could go entire weeks without any sleep.
2. If your spouse pisses you off, answer direct questions with as few words as possible and with no inflection in your voice. Under no circumstances explain why you are angry, he/she should instinctively know.
3. When your partner asks ‘ do these pants make me look fat,’ respond with honest sensitivity ~ ‘no your fat makes you look fat.’ Keep no secrets.
4. As your significant other works diligently for hours to complete a long list of arduous tasks, find the one job left undone, no matter how trivial, and thoughtfully point it out.
5. Instead of doing a job yourself, the way you want it done, continuously tell your spouse how to do it correctly and the reason why he/she is doing it wrong, while standing over his/her shoulder supervising.
6. Supply junk food, sweet snacks, and sugar-laden drinks in abundance as incentives for an SO who is trying to eat healthier or lose weight. You are showing support by building their willpower.
7. When you sense something is bothering your mate, and he/she says ‘nothing’s wrong’ if asked, continue to inquire about his/her well-being until he/she shares his/her inner most feelings. (See #1)
8. Constantly compare your spouse to your corresponding gender parent, using such phrases as, ‘Mom doesn’t cook it that way,’ or ‘Dad could fix that with no problems.’
9. When in public, especially in the company of your spouse’s co-workers and friends, vigilantly correct his/her grammar, manners, accuracy of any statements of fact, fashion sense, and lapses in memory.
10. Show your appreciation of the opposite gender by conspicuously admiring other men/women, providing a running commentary to your spouse on their tantalizing assets.
11. While watching your partner’s the televised entertainment of choice, freely give a critical review throughout the broadcast, be it a sporting event, film or imitation-of-real-life drama.
12. In the same vein, it is acceptable to relate the mundane events of your day during aforementioned televised entertainment, particularly if it is a program your spouse is especially anticipating, or if it is a one-time airing such as the final/single game of a national sports championship or cliffhanger season finale.
13. Once you are an established couple, it is no longer obligatory to maintain proper personal hygiene.
14. If family or friends insult your spouse, it is not mandatory you defend his/her honor if you risk offending said family or friends.
15. Constantly demand justification for purchases made by your spouse, no matter the dollar amount, or obvious necessity.
16. Adopt pet names and terms of endearment such as ‘wench,’ ‘idiot,’ ‘loser,’ ‘bitch,’ and ‘butt-faced monkey boy.’
17. Spice up conversations with f-bombs, gawddamns and scatological references.
18. If you finish off the last of any item ~ cold sodas, toilet paper, or paper towels for example ~ give your spouse the pleasure of replacing these, providing him/her with a sense of purpose.
19. Blanket stealing, pillow hogging, and bed monopolizing is not only permitted, it is expected.
20. In matters of marital relations, it is reasonable to wake your partner at 2 a.m. expecting both passion and enthusiasm. This is especially appropriate if your partner has an important meeting in the morning, or is or has recently been seriously ill or injured.
21. Respond to all efforts toward contrition and genuine apology with stoic resolve and stony silence.
22. Insist on being available on short notice to help friends with innumerable projects, while indefinitely
avoiding identical household tasks.
23. Being aware that your spouse detests being late to events, begin time-consuming jobs mere minutes before pre-arranged departure times.
24. If one partner is habitually hot and the other cold, it is incumbent upon the partner with the lower basal temperature to weigh down the shared bed with multiple blankets to ensure optimal containment of body heat.
25. On the rare occasion you and your spouse do disagree, never fail to reiterate past transgressions loudly and repetitively, regardless of their relevance to the current discussion.
In all seriousness, I am blessed to have the family I do. I married my best friend and I love him more today than I did when I said ‘I do.’ We have two amazing children and a life I could never have imagined. These first 25 years were amazing, trying, exciting, challenging, and more fun than should be legal. I cannot wait to see what the next 25 bring us.
*The above list is for entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to imply personal confession, nor complaint.