Last weekend my daughter marked a very significant milestone. My mother and her husband made the trip from Tennessee to be with her during this important event.
Throughout my entire life, my mom has fussed about her weight. In my childhood memories, I saw her as heavy, when in actuality she was average size. Her own body-image was always poor. Looking back as an adult, it pains me to know she had such low self-esteem.
She is an amazing woman, and only now in her 70s is she seeing that herself.
Recent health issues forced her to change her eating habits and incorporate more exercise into her daily routine. As a result, over the last several months, she has lost close to 50 pounds. I hadn’t seen her since she lost all that weight.
I was stunned.
My mom always seemed larger than life to me. Not because she was overweight, or unusually tall, but she was imposing, a force. When I saw her this weekend, she looked so small. It wasn’t that she had just lost so much weight, she somehow seemed shorter, tiny, frail.
I tried not to stare, but it was such an unexpected change in her appearance. It was if she’d aged 10 years and not simply 10 months.
She was very proud of her weight loss, so I made the obligatory ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ noises. I was truly happy for her, but I wondered if maybe she lost too much weight.
As I watched her pick at her food, asking our server if she could get her chicken prepared without salt, I thought of my own recent foray into losing weight.
As a teen and young adult, I had the metabolism of a gnat. I could, and did, eat anything and not gain an ounce. Somewhere around age 40 all hell broke loose. I developed Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune thyroid disorder, and my metabolism basically shut down. I can now gain five pounds licking an envelope.
Then around 45 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and I could no longer be as physical as I used to be. I had trained in martial arts for almost 10 years, and I simply couldn’t do it any more.
Over the last four years I’ve continued to gain weight, hating my bathroom scale, but still doing nothing to counter all these hurdles. And, they were only hurdles, not barriers. I could’ve done more, I just didn’t want to.
Inching toward a weight I can’t even say out loud, I decided I had to do something. Of my immediate family, I am the only one who has not been diagnosed with diabetes. Both my parents also have high blood pressure and my dad has had a heart attack and bypass surgery. I could see my future if I didn’t change.
Day One of Lent I decided to give up being fat. For six weeks I kept track of what I was eating, limited my calories, and started walking for an hour most mornings. My efforts were rewarded with a loss of about 15 pounds. I hope to lose another 25 by my birthday in October. Ironically, that will put me at the same weight my mom is now. And that… is my worry.
I don’t want my weight loss to create the same reaction in other people, as my own reaction to my mom. I don’t want to lose the weight to only look like an old woman. I know that my mom is 20 years older than I am, but I’m also edging very close to 50 and don’t want to get there before I have to.
Vanity was never one of my vices, but I find myself worrying about my looks more and more. I see scowl lines, and the beginnings of a turkey waddle. I started coloring my grey again (after ignoring it for years). Seeing the numbers on clothing labels increasing… all of it is so disheartening.
Now, add to that my fears that if I do reach my weight goals, I’ll look worse than I did at my heaviest. Since coming home from seeing my mom, I haven’t been concerned with what I eat and haven’t been on a walk in four days.
I can’t give up now, but I don’t know if I want to succeed as much as I once did.
Submitted as part of Shell’s “Pour Your Heart Out” writing prompt. Please stop by to read the other posts, and give a little comment love.
Thin spiral notebook 
I think you need to stop thinking of it as a number and start just thinking about being healthier. Keep up with your walks because they feel good and are good for you. As for your eating, eat smarter. Smaller portion sizes, less snacking, avoid too much fried and processed, etc. But don’t turn down a piece of chocolate cake because you are dieting. Don’t even call it a diet, just call it being healthy.
If you do that you may avoid losing too much weight and you will look good and feel good!
Tara R.: That is a suggestion echoed by a lot of commentors, and I think you all are right. Goals are good to have, but they may keep me from focusing on what really matters… how I feel and how much healthier I’ll be.
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I’m so proud of you for being healthier. I’m sure you look better b/c you feel better!!!
Tara R.: I need to be proud of myself too. I’ve worked hard and should be happy with that. Thank you!
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I think with a healthy goal weight and a healthy way to lose the weight, you’ll be just fine!
Tara R.: I hope you’re right. I’ll just have to play it by ear for now. Thanks!
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It’s true that as a woman gets older, weight loss ages her further, I’ve seen it a lot. That said, fat isn’t healthy for the body or the mind.
My non-professional advice would be to maintain mid- or high in your healthy weight range keeping in mind that weight loss shouldn’t be a priority over a healthy lifestyle, which contributes to your all over glow.
Fresh air, movement, water, a ton of bright vegetables, vibrant fruit, grains, lean proteins and whole foods in general will keep you glowing and prevent the gauntness.
Just don’t give up … you’re doing such an amazing thing for yourself.
Tara R.:I definitely don’t want to end up looking like a wizzened old lady, but I really needed to get healthier. I’m eating a lot more vegetables and fruit, drinking lots of water and have really enjoyed getting out for my walks. I may need to rethink my ultimate goals and re-set the bar.
When my daughter gets home for the summer, we are making plans to workout together. Hopefully we can get my son up and active too. Setting a good example for them is a huge plus for me.
I so appreciate your support, you’ve always been so encouraging.
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Maybe you could just adjust your final goal weight a little?
Tara R.: I think I’ll use the guess/check/revise method. I’m setting little goals along the way. If I get to a weight I’m happy with, I can just maintain for a while, then decide if I want to lose more.
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Weight loss is great for your health, but please keep in mind that your attitude is your beauty. If you see yourself as old and wrinkled other people get those vibes and see the same thing, however look into the mirror and acknowledge your beauty and it will be visible to everyone that passes by. Every woman is beautiful, if only they would take the moment to see it!
Tara R.: My first goal was to just lose 10% of my body weight, and I’m almost there. I was thrilled with that… until I saw my mom. Like I told Angie, seeing her after such a huge weight loss, made me rethink my goals.
And, you’re right… age is only a number. I am as young as I feel, thanks for reminding me of that.
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I’ve always struggled with my weight. Was my thinnest in high school and my mom said she thought I was too thin, then. But, what you have done thus far… I find I’m inspired by! I’m in my early 40’s, and struggling between “do I worry?” or “don’t I?”
I have to agree… if done correctly, you *will* feel all the better for it… (Now, if I could only convince myself of the same *grin*)
It sounds as though you have a wonderful support system, just here… You can do it!
Dropping by from PYHO, by the way, and will be following along with you in the future. 🙂
Tara R.: I truly hope losing the weight slowly and staying active will have the results I’m wanting. If I’ve inspired you, then I’m already a winner.
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You will look wonderful, feel better, and be able to stay healthy! You can do it!
Tara R.: Thank you, I really hope so too.
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I think if you lose weight correctly it does the exact opposite and helps make you look young. It takes an enormous toll on older people when they have an illness and I think that is what has contributed to your moms frail state. Your mom sounds just like my FIL – he was a “force” and only a couple years later has lost so much of his stature due to illness and weight loss.
Tara R: I think if I had seen my mom during her weight loss it wouldn’t have been such a shock.
I’m trying to do this right. I’m not fasting, just cutting back on portions and junk food. I do feel better. I’m a worrier. I don’t think I can do anything without thinking about the worst scenario.
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When I first met you, you were looking pretty darn good in those jeans you had on. I’m just sayin’. I don’t care that almost two years have passed since then. I don’t care if you put on 50 pounds. Or more. I’m willing to be you are still one hot mama. And that whole age thing? Pffft! Wrinkled, folded, bent, spindled or mutilated doesn’t change who you are inside, and that’s where your true beauty is.
But your still gonna be pretty hot on the outside. I’m just sayin’.
Tara R.: Everyone needs a friend like you… that made my day. Thank you!
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