If I were a car, I’d be an antique and could wear one of those cerulean blue tags. A piece of furniture, an heirloom to be fought over by my surviving beneficiaries. If I were a work of art, I’d be in the public domain, having been born prior to 1963 and failing to renew copyrights.

I wonder about my life, now that I am in my final year of my first half century.

What do I have to show for my time here. What have I accomplished, what is my legacy?

I wonder if it is too late to be satisfied with my choices.

I have the family I’ve always wanted. A man who I know loves me and who will be with me until my dying breath, or his. My children are my heart…

But, I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up… well, I do. I just don’t know how to get there and it’s that feeling of discomfiture that has me stymied. I have all these thoughts ricocheting around in my brain, and no way of putting them into some sort of order.

I don’t lack motivation, I lack confidence that these ideas will bring me what I seek, or the courage to move on if they don’t. The ennui in my life is mind numbing.

9 thoughts on “Junkyard

  1. I hope that you gain the bit of confidence you need to move forward with your passions. You are so good at many things; I wish you could be as awed with your skills as I am. 🙂


  2. I agree with Jen (huckdoll) Find your passions and find a group of people you can associate with that will help you explore and cultivate them. You still have so much time left to be who and what you want to be, my friend 🙂


  3. We have all been there in some way or another. As one stage of our life passes we look into an unknown future, knowing that somehow there is MORE for us. I trust that you will find it. I know you have the skill to do what you hope for…and you will find the courage.


  4. “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” Henry David Thoreau said that. You’ve got only one way to go in life, Tara R., and that’s right to the top!


  5. I can so totally identify with the sentiments in this post. I complained all my life that I had no idea where my passion was, now that I know I am afraid it will never amount to anything more than a paperback in the sale bin.


  6. I’m not sure if your visions of what you want to be when you grow up are creative ones but if they are I fully recommend finding a community or ‘tribe’ of artists (or whatever it is you’re seeing) with similar ideas. There is so much inspiration out there and sometimes all it takes is stepping away from the comfort zone and making some new contacts. I find being totally immersed and present in creative works, ideas and support is a great way to get all of those thoughts darting around in your head to fruition.

    Trust me, take one little baby step into the unknown and your courage will soar.

    Good luck.


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