Missing what you’ve never had

Still, even after all that has happened, after all the hurt and confusion, I miss you. Or rather, I miss what could have been.

I wish I were able to sit down with you, maybe over a cup of coffee, and have a real conversation with you. I don’t even know if you drink coffee… maybe a beer. I’m pretty sure you drink beer.

If we could be open and honest with each other, and talk, like the grown-ups we are now, I think we could come to some sort of peace. Even if in the end we stay distant, we would at least know why.

There has been this ‘thing’ between us for so long, do you even remember why it started? It’s as if you’ve been angry since we were kids, and don’t know how to be any other way.

You do realize that the last time we spent any significant time together, we were teenagers? That was an entire lifetime ago. I’m not the same person I was at 15, it’s not a stretch to imagine you’re not either. So, why haven’t we been able to get past this?

We aren’t so different, you and I. I found out from your daughter that we make the same lame “Lassie” jokes about our dogs. That’s a weird coincidence for people who don’t talk to each other.

I wonder if you even think of me. When something important happens in your life, good or bad, have you ever thought to call me? There have been so many times I would have loved to have you in my corner cheering me on, or holding my hand.

You’ve done a lot of great things, gone through heartbreaking drama, I could have been there for you, if you had only asked. Most of the time, I never knew anything until after because you didn’t want me to know. I would have been there for you.

That’s what siblings do, isn’t it? I don’t know, I’ve never known what it’s like to have a brother.

No, that’s not true. Where I lacked in biological family, I’ve been lucky to have other people in my life I could count on. Friends throughout my life who were supportive and encouraging, compassionate and understanding. Yet, no matter how close I’ve been to these people, my surrogate siblings, they aren’t you. They come and go, because of time or distance, but you… you remain just out of reach. There, but not.

I’ve missed you.

Submitted to WordPress Weekly Challenge. This week the theme was to use the phrase “I wish I were…”

 

15 thoughts on “Missing what you’ve never had

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