Heartburn

seagulls on the beach

I hate seagulls.

They are little more than flying rats. Scavengers, pestilence carriers, all around the most annoying vermin on earth. Hate. Them.

Living near the Gulf, there is also very little I can do to avoid them. They congregate by the hundreds in parking lots to feast on discarded bags of fast food, they vandalize the hood and windshield of my car, and they swarm me on the beach like a bad Hitchcock movie.

To make matters worse, tourists seem enamored of them. It’s as if they are some magical, mythical creature which will bestow three wishes upon them for tossing a few stale Cheez-Its in the air for them to snag.

Ever been overrun by a flock of hungry flying rats, whilst hearing the squeals of delighted children? Brings out the nasty in you, believe me.

There’s an urban legend that says if you feed seagulls Alka-Seltzer tablets, when they dive for fish, filling their gullet with water, the effervescence will bubble up, popping them like a birthday piñata. It’s an ugly mental image, but one I have fantasized about on numerous occasions.

Don’t judge! I prefer Tums.

♦No seagulls were harmed during the making of this post.

*From the Vault of IMSO: originally published July 22, 2010. Edited and updated.

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10 replies »

  1. Being from the Midwest and having had some weird forgotten affinity for Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I must admit a *past* obsession with them. That is until my head was shat upon … a bucket full … by one in California several years ago. My sister still pees her pants laughing when she thinks about it.
    Then I had one of those filthy buggars steal a granola bar from in front of my mouth in Florida last December. Needless to say, now I hate those parasites with a passion.

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    • Jonathan Livingston Seagull was one of my favorite books too. I still laugh thinking about him crashing through the breakfast flock. The seagulls on my Florida beach are nothing like Jonathan. Hate. Them.

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  2. This made me laugh! I admit I’m one of the enamored tourists. I live in Amarillo but my husband works in the Houston, Galveston, and Corpus Christie areas a lot, and we visit him when he’s gone a long time. I don’t feed the seagulls, though; I just follow them with my camera. The number of seagull photos I have probably borders on irrational :)

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